Matt, I fucking miss you today. Right now. Like I had forgotten and now I can’t bare to forget. A song you’d dig came on and I can’t stop crying, and my tears don’t tell the story my heart is so desperate to share. But I’ll try. I want to talk to you. I want …
I woke up blah. Rather, I never really felt like I went to bed or slept. That’s not necessarily new for me, but it’s becoming more frustrating as I age because I feel inept at finding the “right” (aka perfect and scripted) solution for me and my much-needed quality night of sleep and rest. I …
I don’t need a new blog (which I had written out and have since deleted) detailing Mike’s business. Or my business. Our former business. He deserves privacy, and so do I. Just because I can write about something, doesn’t mean I need to write about something. Not everything needs a public eye. This publicity extends …
I hear you disease. Scanning last nights radiance with scrutinizing eyes, laser focused on the underwear line from the underwear I never wear. The “chest fat”. The lack of definition in my traps. The flatness of my hair. I hear you disease. Not wanting to swipe and not wanting to start a conversation. Then wondering …
I want to write about this, but I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy or disrespect what’s happened. As you know, I am very honest and being cryptic isn’t my style. I also live spiritually, and in alignment with that belief system, so I am going to do my best to write about how I …
I can’t control some of the things that I once thought I could control. The overarching idea is that sure, I can. I can control my weight. I can control my heart rate. I can control the variables that make these things move up and down or stay the same. But what I’m learning so …
It turns out that I had to get over my petty bullshit first. I had to stop checking boxes. I had to stop looking out and comparing myself to somebody else, and compare me to me. I had to evaluate whether I was fundamentally happy, secure, and unconditionally accepting; not whether he was. I had …
It is different, for me. I was told nothing would change, but it had already has. I have. The wedge that was blocking me from getting closer has been removed, because that wedge was that voice that kept whispering, “You’re not enough. You’re not worthy. You’re not enough to be committed to. You’re not …
I’d say I know it’s my grief, but I don’t know that. I have no idea what this is, or what’s coming, or when. What I do know, is that all my losses have prepared me for this. So have the years of showing up for myself whether I felt like it or not. I …
I haven’t felt like writing, how could I? Or talking, why would I? I see grief wears differently on everyone. Even me. Some people freeze and can’t move at all. Some people go into overdrive and can’t stop moving. Others push, while others pull. I can say that without diligently practicing spiritual principles …