I hear you disease. Scanning last nights radiance with scrutinizing eyes, laser focused on the underwear line from the underwear I never wear. The “chest fat”. The lack of definition in my traps. The flatness of my hair. I hear you disease. Not wanting to swipe and not wanting to start a conversation. Then wondering …
I want to write about this, but I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy or disrespect what’s happened. As you know, I am very honest and being cryptic isn’t my style. I also live spiritually, and in alignment with that belief system, so I am going to do my best to write about how I …
I can’t control some of the things that I once thought I could control. The overarching idea is that sure, I can. I can control my weight. I can control my heart rate. I can control the variables that make these things move up and down or stay the same. But what I’m learning so …
It turns out that I had to get over my petty bullshit first. I had to stop checking boxes. I had to stop looking out and comparing myself to somebody else, and compare me to me. I had to evaluate whether I was fundamentally happy, secure, and unconditionally accepting; not whether he was. I had …
It is different, for me. I was told nothing would change, but it had already has. I have. The wedge that was blocking me from getting closer has been removed, because that wedge was that voice that kept whispering, “You’re not enough. You’re not worthy. You’re not enough to be committed to. You’re not …
I’d say I know it’s my grief, but I don’t know that. I have no idea what this is, or what’s coming, or when. What I do know, is that all my losses have prepared me for this. So have the years of showing up for myself whether I felt like it or not. I …
I haven’t felt like writing, how could I? Or talking, why would I? I see grief wears differently on everyone. Even me. Some people freeze and can’t move at all. Some people go into overdrive and can’t stop moving. Others push, while others pull. I can say that without diligently practicing spiritual principles …
Dear Matt, I love you. I love you more than I think I ever said. I trust you know that, and that my actions showed you. To say I am devastated is an understatement – there simply are no words for this kind of pain. I feared this for you for a very long …
No, I didn’t forget how to write, or lose my want to share. I did lose my interest in exposing other people’s privacy unintentionally, which was brought to my attention a few times. I needed a reset. I’ve had pulls to put thoughts to paper and share what’s been going on many times but paused …
I celebrated 4 years sober from bulimia Friday. That’s 4 years of not binging, or purging. That’s 4 years of not changing my food based on how I feel or think about my body. That’s 4 years of not engaging in exercise or training that is consciously harmful, or changing my exercise based on how …