Did You Miss Me?

I’m here.  Still.

Still.  Still.  Words mean everything, and nothing, all at the same time.  As a writer, and a highly sensitive person (actually termed HSP – there’s a documentary!), they mean a whole lot.  And depending on my mood, I make them mean entirely more or way less than their intent.  I digress.

HELLO!  It’s been a LONG time since I wrote and shared publicly my person.  It’s not that I don’t share anymore, but I found a very real pull to stop.  Stop telling all, stop doing, stop running, stop chasing, just stop.  And I have had to honor that, and in honoring it, I have changed.

A lot.  On the surface, everything is different: I have a new last name, we moved to Massachusetts, I am down one organ, drive a different Jeep, no longer have Bam, have a new job, and my hair is WAY longer than it has been maybe ever.

Everything internally is also different: I sit longer and contemplate more about how I feel, instead of automatically assuming I already know.  I listen.  I say yes, and I also say no.  I appreciate that there really is no reason to rush, to panic, and to lose my mind over things I cannot control.

And, I am also very much the same.  I am still Alison.  I am still sober.  I am still in recovery from life itself.  I still go gym daily, and we have our Spartans lined up for the year.  I still love to be outside regardless of the weather, and my version of church is still the woods.  Matt is still coming to me in Cardinal form, even though it took me many months to hear or see him.  I talk to a lot of my friends and my parents regularly, even if it’s through audio messages and texts.  I still sell things, I still work from home.  I still have a foundation of good mental and emotional hygiene.  I’m still sensitive.  I’m still too reactive.  I’m still weird.  I’ll still actually an introvert.

It still fascinates me how tired I get, and how some days I just can’t.  It still fascinates me that I can go from being SO excited to not at all and feeling resentful.  It still fascinates me that I let other people affect me and get me down, and that I take so many things personally that may not even be for me.

I have learned a lot these past years.  Mostly, that it’s probably not actually that important.  None of it.  The job, the bank account, the booty, the size of my pants, the glimmer.  What does matter infinitely more is who we love, how we love them, and how we show them we love them.  And that we love ourselves as much, if not more, than them.

To catch you up a bit on my new perspective, after I lost Bam, I got quiet and just focused on Jeremy and I.  I think I posted about my Jeep getting stolen and then my Grandma died.  Fast forward a few blessedly noneventful months, and we decided to make the trek north for an amazing opportunity for Jeremy with the Navy.  In June we got both engaged and married.  In August we moved north 7 hours where we reside now – our home is beautiful.  September was a big race in Vermont, a trip to Minnesota for a wedding, and trying to unravel the boxes and to-do’s and make sense of the giant move we just made.  Then in October, I got COVID for the first time, my appendix burst, putting me in the hospital and then sending me home with a PICC line for weeks and then onto surgery 4 weeks later.  In the middle of that, 10 days after my rupture, I was fired from what I thought was my forever career home.

The day after surgery in November, I accepted a new role at my current employer, same industry, different look and feel.  November was focused on healing from my illness and surgery, which now that I am not sick, I can tell you how very sick I actually was.  My parents came for Thanksgiving, we went to Mexico for our honeymoon in December and then I stayed in Maryland before I went back to work in early January.

And now we’re here.  Life lifing does a great job of heavily and immediately dosing you of perspective and reminding you of what actually matters.  No, it’s not the job – clearly.  No, it’s not the car – clearly.  No, it’s not my temple of a body that I take such great care of – clearly.  No, it’s not the awards or recognition from accolades or feats (although they definitely help and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing them).

What’s important to me today, is to know in my core that I am with the person God handpicked just for me – I have never felt so sure, so in love, so relaxed in a relationship or so willing to show up every day and be better than I was yesterday.  Jeremy is the best person to happen to me, and best thing.  He works tirelessly to be the best man I know, and he holds that title easily.  What’s important to me today is how I feel about myself when I wake up, and when I go to bed tonight.  Was I kind?  Was I thoughtful?  Was I honest (appropriately so)?  Was I intelligent in my contributions?  Was my commentary necessary or feedback requested?  Am I in alignment with what I believe my God wants me to be? Am I showing up fully, giving my best, and letting go of whatever falls where it does?  Am I pursuing conscious contact and FREEDOM, or am I chasing an old story and still attaching myself to things that don’t make me really happy, joyous, or free?

None of this means that I don’t still work hard, try hard, play hard.  I do.  It ebbs and flows.  But my soul feels different – softer.  My tone is quieter.  My resolve is steadier.  Maybe I needed to move, change my name and address, get a new employer, lose an organ to realize that it’s all actually really good.  Really good doesn’t mean without pain and hardship, but it means that it’s everything we actually need.

It is.  At least that’s my experience.  It’s good to be back.

2 thoughts on “Did You Miss Me?”

  1. Hi Alison! I’m so happy to hear how well your new life is going. This is a really good Tenth Step format. Thank you for sharing it.
    “Was I kind? Was I thoughtful? Was I honest (appropriately so)? Was I intelligent in my contributions? Was my commentary necessary or feedback requested? Am I in alignment with what I believe my God wants me to be? Am I showing up fully, giving my best, and letting go of whatever falls where it does? Am I pursuing conscious contact and FREEDOM, or am I chasing an old story and still attaching myself to things that don’t make me really happy, joyous, or free?”

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