I don’t need a new blog (which I had written out and have since deleted) detailing Mike’s business. Or my business. Our former business. He deserves privacy, and so do I. Just because I can write about something, doesn’t mean I need to write about something.
Not everything needs a public eye. This publicity extends to my inner circle: not everyone needs to know my every thought! Not everyone needs to validate me or approve of me or give me counsel! I say this for me, not for you. Nobody cares what I do as long as I am happy and taking care of myself. And really, it isn’t even up to anybody else to make me happy or know how I can take care of myself – that’s for me and God.
It’s an old habit; to outsource decisions and opinions instead of getting quiet, pausing, and going in. It’s an old habit to copy and paste and ask the masses what they think about my ideal partner, what they think about my future person, and what they think I should do now. Reality is, again, that it’s not up to anyone but me. And I am continuing to discover and uncover more of this as I go, heal, and deal.
I have to deal. I have not really wanted to deal with the fact that unconsciously, I am far angrier with myself than I am with him. I didn’t know that until I got a letter and revisited so many things I had not wanted to revisit. I am action-oriented and checking the laundry list of boxes I’ve had over the last several weeks has helped me be in a place where I feel I can start to breathe, and start to heal. Because for me, if shit is piled up (literally and figuratively), I can’t sort. And I can’t see. And I can’t know what is actually true for me.
The adrenaline that surged through my body for the initial few weeks post breakup was real. It allowed me to get stuff done around here, cancel plans and do what needed to be done for me to feel decluttered and safe. Now that some more weeks have passed and the dust and debris have somewhat settled, I have been able to start to acknowledge the feelings, and not just the thoughts about them. I talk about it a lot, but I’d much rather think about how I feel than feel how I feel. I’d much rather talk or write about my feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness than feel the anger and fear and disappointment attached to not feeling good enough again and about being single. While I am very grateful and also excited and hopeful, I’d much rather talk or write about how I can’t believe this happened “to” me, than feel what it feels like to think that I actually caused this TO happen.
Which is not true. I did not “do” this. I did not manifest this. I did not lapse in my growth and choose someone that I would have been able to predict would hurt me so gravely. No. I took a risk in letting someone in again, loving someone as my partner, and showed up for the task. I continued working on myself throughout the relationship, minded a lot of my own business and strived to be as unguarded and vulnerable and communicative about my own shit as I could be.
And I will do that again. I didn’t choose “wrong” so much as I just chose. And I thought my choice, this time, was going to be safer and steadier and longer-lasting and frankly, forever. But it wasn’t! And that’s OK. It really is. I could go on and on about any number of things but the nitty gritty is that God is doing for me, and I am the absolute best version of myself right now than I ever have been a day before in my life. I am a whole person. Mike didn’t make me whole, but our relationship helped me fill my own shoes. And Mike leaving didn’t take me out of them – they are still on my feet, and if anything, more securely tied.
Have you looked down at your own feet lately? Are your laces tied, or are you still waiting for someone to come tie them for you?