I sometimes think that I am either better than, or worse. I sometimes find myself scared that I do not belong, or that I do not deserve. I can find myself nervous and second-guessing. I can find myself wondering and manipulating.
This is my ego. This is my mind’s way of looking for ways that make me different than you, not the same. I heard this definition the other night and it resonated deeply, showing me why my recent anxiety and discomfort was flaring my ego, not my greater self, and causing me inner turmoil.
My ego makes me speak louder so other people can hear. My ego makes me strut around the gym. My ego makes me brag. My ego makes me insert myself without permission. My ego picks on and judges you (and fiercely attacks me).
Why? Because I am afraid I will not be recognized if I am quiet. Because underneath I am scanning my fat parts in the mirror. Because I don’t think I look OK. Because some days I still think my body is my worth. Because I am afraid I won’t actually meet the bar. Because I am afraid that you will not pay attention to me. Because I am afraid that you won’t value me. Because I am afraid that I’m simply just not enough, just as I am.
Ego drives me to great successes in sales. It drives me to great physical challenges. It drives me to doing more in less time. It also makes me sound like an asshole. It makes me seem arrogant. It makes me look cocky. If only we knew what other people were feeling underneath the facade our ego presents, maybe we’d all be a little kinder and less irritable and less afraid. Whenever I point that finger out, three are always pointing back at me.
Ego isn’t always bad. It teaches me a lot. It shows me where I show up in my affairs, and where I don’t. It shows me how fearful I can be and how fear drives old thinking and old reacting. It shows me how much closer to God I really need to be on a daily basis, and also how close I have gotten. It shows me how alike my fellows I am, in every way. It shows me I really am just in the middle – another bozo on the bus.
It has also protected me from great hurts and undeniable embarrassment. It has helped me survive trauma and loss. It has avoided emotions entirely too great in the moment. It has gotten me from there, to here, right now.
How does your ego show up in your life? Tell me – tell more people. It’ll help keep it right sized.
You also Speak Truths ?? Thanks for your honesty! Love you ?
Thank you for your support and love, my friend. Can’t spwak honestly without my tribe.
I LOVE reading your blog posts. So honest. So real. And usually very timely for me. My ego shows up everywhere – I jokingly quote Talladega Nights – “if you ain’t first, your last” but it’s actually not funny, because I can really get stuck there. The best, or the worst and nothing in between. My ego lets me believe I’m either a big pile of shit, or that no one is or can be as “good” as me!?! Both ways, it’s alienating – and prevents me from being of service, being vulnerable, and really connecting with my Higher Power.
And the you you have allowed me to meet and the you I am getting to know, is vulnerable and real and right where you’re supposed to be. I love you and thank you for supporting and encouraging me.