People Don’t (Always) Like Me

OY VEY, is pretty much all I can say about that, and perhaps a few F-bombs because if you know me, you know that my favorite word starts with F and ends with K and there isn’t a whole lot I am willing to do about that yet.

Recently I’ve come up against personality conflicts at work.  Before I go into more detail, here’s some background on me: I want everyone to like me.  I don’t care whether or not I like you, as my incredible mind tells me that the rules don’t always apply to me.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be loved.  I want to be praised.  I want to be validated.  I want to be tolerated and enjoyed and thought the very best of, always.

Reality: this is not fair.  Just like the rules do apply to me, you also reserve the right not to like me.  You reserve the right to think that I’m not hilarious, that my straight shooting is not charming, that I do not do a great job at being persistent and consistent in all of my affairs, and certainly not to love me.  OUCH!  That idea sucks.  That idea hurts.  That idea stems at the core of my old story: I am not enough.

Because if you don’t like me, that must mean that there is something wrong with me.  If you don’t like me, that must mean that I did something wrong.  If you don’t like me, that must mean I have something to fix, something I can control, something I can do differently.  If you don’t like me, that must mean that I am at fault, I am wrong, I am … not enough.

Reality: this is not true.  The old story says that it must mean something that you don’t like me, when in truth the idea that you don’t like me simply means that you don’t like me.  You may not appreciate my frankness and dryness.  You may not appreciate that I will follow-up with you regardless of you stating you’d be the one to lead that front.  You may not think it’s charming that I curse like a sailor, laugh at myself, talk to myself (it’s helpful), and obsessively attach to things I become passionate about.  (Sorry Mike and those closest to me, I can only imagine what it sounds and feels like to be on the receiving and observing end of my pursuits sometimes).

Reality: this is OK.  This is human.  I take things personally and I am sensitive.  This is not unique.  I know this about myself.  But knowing this about myself doesn’t always change how I feel, whereas practice with knowledge has enabled me to act quite differently.

I felt like my coworker didn’t like me or respect me because it was as if I assaulted her by saying good morning.  The combined rolled eyes and sighs lead me to believe that my presence was preferred absent.  Alright!  That felt like shit.  I mulled it over and remained courteous, because that is what respectable adults do.  I mulled it further, heard from other sources that my name was being polluted, and took it to management.  I felt cowardly and afraid in my choice to ask for help and navigating tactics by asking my manager to manage her people.

Reality: I am not a coward.  I am a human.  I am a human with feelings, emotions, sensitivities and my own judgements against not only you, but myself.  Add your outward judgement to my own, and we have a heaping pile of anxious not-enoughness that I rode for a little while.

The difference: I didn’t hold her hostage (in person) and tell her about herself to make me feel better.  I only spoke to a few close peers and asked for their insight.  I spoke to my manager and asked her direction and feedback.  I let me closest friends know, and I picked up my pen.  It wasn’t until I picked up my pen and really felt how bad it felt to not be liked, that I started to see me.  I started to see that I was part of the denominator (again).  I started to see that I was talking to other people to make myself feel better.  I started to see that I can be just like her.  I started to see that I wasn’t giving myself any opportunities for self-esteem because I wasn’t engaging in any esteemable acts.

WOW.  I am still the problem.  Therefore, I must also be the solution.  What a relief!  I used to think all of you were the fucking problem, and also the solution.  What an incredibly heavy burden to bear.  The truth doesn’t always feel good, but it certainly makes a lot more sense.  The truth doesn’t always yield immediate gratification, but it certainly sets us free of ourselves.  And in my experience, I am the only one who can really do that.

As it turns out, my coworker doesn’t hate me at all.  I chose to be happy instead of right, and told her to please let me know whenever she felt I wasn’t on my side or whenever she felt I was doing other than. I thanked her for her change in energy over the course of the previous few days, and she acknowledged that she had been in her tunnel and on an island having a hard time with work and feeling alone.  How familiar: we think we are the only ones suffering from whatever it is we are attached, leaving no room for grace or connection.  It was never about me, not even for a second.

Humbled again.  Grateful I chose to act instead of react.  Grateful I can see myself sooner than later.  Grateful I can choose to be happy instead of right, and share how I feel in a way that allows others to share themselves.

Crazy, right?  I think so.  I can almost laugh at how much space it took up in my brain and stomach aches it caused now too.  Everything passes, big or small.  Just like clouds.  We just have to let them.