“I’m either a fucking idiot, or a total badass” I texted a training friend before I wrapped my foot up and went to test it on some hills in the woods.
I’ve had some unplanned superficial injuries lately that have scared me: a busted kneecap requiring 8 stitches, and now a hole in the underside of my left foot that has passed the threshold of 10 on the pain scale. Many would look at me and say “see what your fitness is doing to you? Don’t you think it’s time for a break? Why don’t you just relax for a while?”
And, yes: I hear you. I also know myself. I know my body and I know my heart. I know when my body says to stop. I know when my body cannot do something. I also know when there’s a workaround – I have had significant injuries try to stop me from having a life. Not just from being fit and competing the way I enjoy, but from legitimately not being able to live freely as I take for granted most of the time now. I’ve had 8 concussions, the last of which left me on my back for several months and missing chunks of memories I will never get back. I have torn shoulders and ankles and wrists and been tied to myself to prevent using those parts while training horses. I have pinched a nerve that disabled me from getting dressed. I list these things not to compile a “poor me” list, but to attest to the fact that I have experienced tribulations, and if it weren’t for those times then I wouldn’t know the power of the heart and the power of the mind. You really can do anything you want to do, even if it requires modifications for a time, however long that may be.
Having to modify my training and workaround speed bumps in my fitness pursuits has translated to navigating my life more bravely. Physical pain and inconvenience have helped mold my mental state into “how can I?” instead of the all familiar “I can’t”. I am in sales, in a long cycle and in a challenging role. If I walked away every time someone said “no”, I’d be broke and starved and not have a career. If I gave up every time I woke up and didn’t feel like it today, then I’d never get up and I’d never tackle the morning and set myself up for the rest of the day. If I stayed in the house every time I was tired after work, I’d quarter the abundance of my life and my experiences. If I rolled over every time my mind questioned my ability to do something, I’d stay on the ground. If I gave up on love after having my heart shattered, I’d have never risked meeting the most consistent and supportive, unconditionally loving man yet. If I threw in the towel because something didn’t turn out the way I envisioned, then you definitely wouldn’t be entertained by this blog right now.
It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s not supposed to be linear. Pain and injuries have taught me how to make do with what I have, and to maximize what I do. Fitness has taught me how to take pause and remain grateful for what is possible, instead of lasering in on the “bad”. My mom can’t walk anymore. She can’t play golf and she can’t drive now either. Imagine if she just said “fuck it! I’m done” and let herself waste away. I wouldn’t have a mother anymore. I learn more by watching her combat her disease than I do myself. I am more like her everyday and I am grateful for the innate stubbornness I have inherited. I used to get mad at her for not letting us help her more, but now after having some things sideline my plans, I get it. And I’m proud.
I don’t believe that we ever have to start anything over – why not just continue? The wall is never too thick – just turn left. If you get blocked, try going right. The Universe wants to do right by you, it just may not look like the way you envisioned.
I know from being injured that it’s a mental test and a testament to my faith. Do I trust that I am being guided and taken care of, or not? It may look at first glance like I am being stopped from pursuing something really important to me, or it could be an opportunity to simply slow down and take stock and revamp priorities. I fell on the trail and hurt my knee because I am a trail runner, not because I am supposed to stop running. I got a hole in my foot because I was taping it like an amateur, not because I am supposed to stop moving. I hit my head the 8th time because it was time to get sober from bulimia and anorexia and stop abusing myself to a skeletal frame, not because I’m not supposed to use my brain anymore. I pinched a nerve because I didn’t listen to my body that was already sore and tired and tight, not because I shouldn’t lift weights ever again. I tore multiple things in my body (and got a stress reaction too) because I pushed the envelope and was doing all of the riding and training and teaching myself, not because I wasn’t supposed to be riding horses anymore (despite making the decision to hang up my boots eventually anyway).
It’s perspective, like anything in life. You can take the break and you can let it break you, or you can take the break and use it to leverage your position. You can acknowledge that the Universe is asking something of you and spend some time with yourself to figure out what that is. Perhaps the Universe is building your mental fortitude and telling you that yes, you can. Our minds are the only things in our way.
Is yours?