How Are You, Really?

This is a Universal pause.  A Universal reset.  An opportunity to get everyone’s attention, all at the same time.

And tremendous opportunity for growth.   Opportunity to be more present, more mindful, more thoughtful.  Opportunity to call the people you think about calling, but never actually do.  Opportunity to start text threads to check in on those drowning from lack of physical connection.  Opportunity to move more than you ever have, because believe it or not, you only need your body to exercise and the outdoors are readily available.  And so are your coffee tables and couches and stairwells.  Opportunity to read, to write, to create.  Opportunity to take stock in what actually matters and to realign with what’s coming with you in the end.

And as I’ve noticed, it’s still not the stuff I’m usually complaining about and hypnotized by like work, money, metrics (for anything), aesthetics.  I was begging for a break from work, and now I got one.  I was begging for more time with Mike and to inject energy back into our partnership, and here we are.  I won’t see my mom in person for a long time, until it is safe to see her.  But I can text her, call her, Alexa see her.  I can send her flowers for her birthday and a card, left at the door safely.

This is the time to practice the principles.  This is the time to pay attention.  This is the time to follow directions, stay honest, stay willing, and not try to write the script or be the one to sing to their own tune. I was privy to someone I know earlier in the grocery store, witnessing her unfolding.  She asked if I was crazy, and I had never felt so secure in my answer that I am not.  I’ve had my moments of tears and intense rawness, but I haven’t enforced a circle around me and told strangers trying to help me that they were too close.  It was unnerving, and I was reminded that I have come a long way and that I don’t have to act like that anymore, and that I don’t know what’s going on inside her world.

But as I say I am holding it together publicly I am also aware that I am not at all times.  I want Mike to make it perfect for me.  I want my anxiety to be somebody else’s problem and to not feel like there’s something wrong with me.  I want somebody else to think about me as much as I do, which in all fairness, would be literally impossible.  I’m acutely aware of myself right now, as I often am.  I’m stuck back in the house after just being released, and for much of the day I am alone or trying to get on the phone.  Then he comes home, and I’m ready to spew.  It’s not fair, and I can see that.  I can see my humanness and I can try to remember some grace.  I can apologize when I’m wrong and sincere about amending my behavior and try not to hold him hostage in the experience that we’re having.  It can be hard.

We’re all in this together, but we’re all experiencing it differently.  Those with children have an entirely different situation with those living along and single.  Those with essential jobs are at the risk of exposure each and every day, while others no longer have a job at all.  Mike is still going to work and trying to see friends to stay sane, while I am mindful that anyone, I connect with physically could potentially prohibit me from seeing my mom even longer, and I’m just not willing.  I am stuck at home, but I am paid fully, and I can go outside whenever I want and hop on the trails.

However, you are experiencing this, I pray you take it for what it is, in the moment.  I gained a pound a day last week with internal stress, and this week cried when my team asked me how I was doing Monday morning.  I let the water erupt that had been boiling at home, and with it my headache went away that had been sustaining itself for days.  I’m back to taking what I can as it comes, and letting the rest go.  I’m back to focusing on what is mine and doing my best to let go of what is not.  And in the moments I seem to be unable to do that, I reach out and ask for help and check in to see how somebody else is doing.

So, how are you doing right now, really?