The last time I got on a plane for a vacation with a man, I came back and sold my business. It was grossly evident to me that I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and that my life needed to change. So, I set out on a six month course to do just that, and haven’t looked back since.
Fast forward six years, and I just got back from vacation with a different (and much better) man. I don’t have a business to sell this time, but it turns out that I do have some things to re-evaluate. There is something to be said for taking a giant pause, regrouping, and revamping.
Holy. Shit. People have been telling me for some time that I am busy and they don’t know how I do it all, but because I am in it, I can’t appreciate it. But now? Having returned from a glorious week-long break from life and responsibility and social stimuli, I can see it. I can feel it. I detached long enough from being in it to know that again, something has to change. I have so many things I genuinely love doing and showing up for, but doing so on a daily basis, or even a weekly, will not continue to work for me. At least not today.
My life is full – abundantly, beautifully, perfectly and wildly beyond my expectations – full. I don’t need to delete anything or remove anyone, but I do need to take serious stock. No is a complete sentence, and one that I intend to start using more readily. I cannot be everywhere, for everyone, every time. I cannot socialize no matter what. I cannot drive all over the place, even on the weekend. I cannot do for you if I cannot do for me. I have to remember that when I say yes to you but no to me, we both lose. When I say yes to me and no to you, we both win.
I never knew that before. I thought that because I said yes, you’d like me more or treat me better. I thought that because I made a commitment, that come hell or high water, I’d have to post. I have since been taught that neither are true. The people that are supposed to be in my life are here regardless of my daily availability. Yes, I make room for them and a conscious effort to stay connected, but they are not going to dislike me for having to take a time out for myself. I’ve also learned the same for commitments. There are some that I cannot negotiate, but there are many that sometimes life just happens to put a block in between the time I said yes and the time that I now have to say no, and – that’s OK.
Reset – I wish I could do it without going away without cell
phone service for a week. I wish I knew
how tired I was from the daily grind that I have chosen to participate without having the Universe smack me a
little. I can say, that it’s become a
lot easier and it happens a lot faster than it used to – to know when enough is
enough. I now know myself much better
and am getting closer and closer to loving myself enough to know when it’s time
to scale back, before I implode. It no
longer takes breaking me for me to stop, but it still does take some
pulling.
One day at a time, we’ll all (hopefully) learn a little bit more about what
works, and what doesn’t. And it has been
my experience that I only really learn what works – after learning what doesn’t.