The thing about “what we want”, is that we don’t actually know what we need most times. We don’t actually know what is best for us because we can’t predict the future and what it does, or does not hold. This is true for me. I get lost in the future and the past, and rarely focus on the abundance of right now and what is already here.
I used to have benchmark ages. Initially, I wasn’t going to live past 24 because that was old, and my using was heavy enough that I didn’t care to see much past that age. Since I got sober at 18, I thankfully blew past 24 very quickly. The next benchmark became 27: I was to have children, a spouse, a picket fence and my shit entirely together. Well, 27 came and went. Why 27? It sounded good, I guess. Since I had surpassed my initial dying age, I might as well blow it entirely out of the water and have all of the things we think we’re “supposed” to have in order to have “arrived.” Next up: 31. 30 was cool because it’s a benchmark in and of itself, but 31? That was awful. There is nothing sexy about 31. I was officially into my 30’s, still unmarried and without children (not even knowing whether or not I wanted any), and floundering. I was still running around completely disconnected from myself, and didn’t even know it.
What really hurt? 32. That’s how old my mom was when I was born, so in my head it was the appropriate age to again, arrive at having all of the things we are told to have: a house, a spouse, and children (that we don’t even know if we want). Never mind reality. Never mind embarking on a lifelong journey of recovery from mind-numbing and body polluting substance, completely deadening my nerves and any ability to live my life fully. Never mind marrying a career at 20 and starting my own business from scratch, instead of marrying a person. Never mind changing careers and fitness endeavors. Never mind moving back to Maryland to be closer to my mom and as far away from the toxicity I was breathing in Pennsylvania. Never mind the truth: I would never have been able to handle the things I thought I was supposed to have, until now.
Now, I am ready for a house. How do I know that? Because I own one! And it took until 33 to buy one by myself in a place I can envision staying. Now, I am ready for a partner. How do I know that? Because I have met him and just spent a week with him in isolation without any external stimuli and didn’t want to kill him. In fact, I miss him and only want to be closer to him. Now, I am ready for more things in my life and to be of maximum usefulness. If that means little nuggets in the next few years, I am hopeful of that. How do I know? Because I have finally forgiven the people in my life for doing the best they could when I was a child, and know there is no greater or more challenging reward in this life than to try and raise one of you.
I wouldn’t have been able to handle the shit I wanted before now. I wouldn’t have had the capacity to maintain it, nor the appreciation for what it means. I treated myself horribly, so I attracted those types of people into my life. I didn’t believe I deserved the best, so I didn’t have any more than I did. I harbored resentment and fear against those who love me the most, so I couldn’t move closer to the sunlight of the Spirit.
So despite my nagging “I wish I had it sooner”, today I am supremely grateful that I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted in the moments that I’ve wanted something. It wouldn’t have been real. It wouldn’t have been enough. It wouldn’t have been right. It would’ve been another thing to check off the box, another thing to simply say that I had, and another thing I would’ve lost.
We have everything we need right here, right now, as we’re supposed to have it. I hope you believe that too.
Love this! Growing up I also had magic number ages in my mind for life events, and many of them were based off of my mother’s numbers. Now I am much more aware of my parents’ influences on my decisions, and sometimes intentionally going against what I think they would do. After years of trying to do what I think would make them happy, I’m still trying to figure out what happiness means to me.
I think we are all always figuring something out, right? It’s whenever I think I’ve “arrived”, that I ultimately find I still have a lot to do 🙂 Thank you for staying connected!