Being Here

I’ve already exceeded my before-trip goals.  It’s amazing how I haven’t paused to relish in that, and instead I’ve become greedy and wanting MORE.

Our boss had us put our 2020 goals on paper, plot out the metrics to meet them and chart our course of action to get us there.  I had a great 2019, and I have big plans for 2020.  Am I less if I don’t achieve them?  No, but if I don’t set out on a mission then I won’t have anything to work toward besides a hope and a prayer.  And in sales, or in anything else in life, hoping and praying doesn’t work.  I hope I make it and I pray that I stay out of the way so that I can, but nothing gets you where you want to go but action. 

I am in a hurry.  I think I’ve always been in a hurry!  I’m in a hurry to smash goals, get recognition, change my outsides to fix my insides.  I have a sense of unease and discomfort that has been rockin’ me side to side for a little bit now.  You’d think I’d be writing more often, but I’ve been trying to be where my feet are and be with the people around me instead.  I’ve been living my life and acknowledging the roller coaster that is being human, instead of hiding behind my screen.  I’ve been starting to challenge the lifelong beliefs of the narrative I carry around with me, instead of assuming they are right.

I know I appear super vulnerable and courageous with my writing.  And while I am not negating those attributes, I am also sharing that it is quite easy to hide behind a screen and tell all.  It’s quite easy for me to pour my heart out onto paper, while it is hard for me to sit beside you and be raw and gaping and not try to hide how uncomfortable that can be.  It is hard for me to move closer to you when I am susceptible to the narrative in my head that tells me I shouldn’t.  It is hard for me to be sensitive and nervous and tentative and open.

So, most times, I don’t appear to be those things.  I can appear to be overly confident, guarded, and maybe even cold.  I can appear to be irritated and irritable.   I can appear to be uninterested and detached.  While those things are also true at times, what’s truer is that I’m fighting an inner battle of vulnerability and love.  I am fighting an inner battle of compassion and self-care.  I am fighting an inner battle of acceptance and learning to practice fully being my own best friend, my own cheerleader, my own ego boost.  It can be hard.  Especially when you want the outside things to lift you up and make you feel better.

Tomorrow morning, I leave for an all-expenses paid for trip to Punta Mita Mexico with Insperity.  I am going by myself because only spouses are allowed.  I’m sad, but I’m also excited.  To say that I am fried and ready to put my head in the sand for a week is an understatement.  I’ve been churning and burning, riding that sense of urgency and forgetting to celebrate what I’m doing and how I’m doing and who I am.  I’ve been forgetting to celebrate the simplicity of being able to walk and drive and run, knowing how very far I have to go before my ankle and leg and brain are ready to embrace twisted trails and rocky paths and walls and ropes.  I’ve been forgetting to relish in the fact that my lover, best friend and partner in (and for) life lives with me and is on my side.  I’ve been forgetting to appreciate what is right here, right now and now what may lie ahead.

And as with all of my writing, this was for me.  I’m trying to keep up with it, and I’ve been busy trying to live my own life in between the roller coaster that is being human.  It’s divine, it’s painful, it’s exhilarating, it’s ridiculous and it’s all of our experiences to have. 

Here’s to the next one – together.