One month before I broke my leg, I won my one and only Ultra event. I did an Ultra Ragnar event earlier in the year, but those were broken miles and despite very much counting (and actually hurting way worse than running straight miles), I hadn’t contested myself physically in that way. To those close to me, you know I underwent major training and disciplined work to get me to that win. I stuck to a training schedule, didn’t waiver and doubled down each and every day. I worked on my mindset by reading books. I prepared for the cold water at Tahoe by taking a cold shower every day for the months leading up to the event, because I am that vehemently opposed to being cold – ever.
I didn’t prepare to win, or even think that I could, but I prepared in a way that I knew would help me defy my own odds and at least help me finish. I was terrified of Tahoe. I was terrified of being uncomfortable, physically and mentally, and know my mind well enough to know I had my work cut out for me. Although many of my friends think I’m athletic and a beast, I had never secured a top 5 spot before in my OCR events. I had secured wins riding horses over the years, and in bodybuilding and some trail races here and there, but never in OCR.
Fast forward to nearly 16 weeks post-op. I am running again, adhering to a walk/run program and progressing well. This morning I covered over 6 miles by running 8 minutes at a time with a 1-minute walk break, warming up and cooling down appropriately. My calves are lit from finally being used properly, my legs are smashed from a righteous leg day yesterday, and the rest of me is sore too from doing upper body with intensity and intention. Tomorrow is a rest day and Tuesday I see my surgeon for hopefully the last time, and onward we go.
Yesterday, I received the email that I qualified for North American Spartan Championships: my ego’s dream. Last year’s win qualified me for the World’s a month later, and I laughed and never gave it a second thought. This year’s qualification gives me a similar reaction – I am not even giving it a first thought. My entire competitive life I have wanted emails like that to shout to the people around me, proving that I was in fact good enough and with the lettering to prove it, but things have changed.
For one, it’s at Tahoe. And while I went to Tahoe and left nothing on the table, I am never going back to race. It was awful. I wrote an entire blog about it and never said that but looking back now with a sane mind, I can honestly say that it was absolutely ridiculous. It was snowing the entire time with winds almost blowing me over. Lightning struck the mountain and we had to swim or forfeit the race in water that made your legs stop kicking. I proved to my inner self that I can do anything I set my mind to, but I have no need or desire to prove that again. It took me hours to stop shaking after I was finished running. I couldn’t even go out to eat and celebrate because my stomach was so jacked from eating gels for almost 10 hours. And then I couldn’t sleep because my nervous system was shot from undergoing that many hours of strenuous activity, that many hours of intense focusing and that many hours of insanity. It took me almost an entire month to truly stabilize and feel like myself again.
And now that I’m able to walk with two legs and run a little bit, just for today, I really don’t want to do anything spectacular at all. You could certainly argue that aiming for an Ultra in July is spectacular, but after conquering Tahoe, it just doesn’t feel that big of a deal. I’m not scoffing at the effort it’ll require, but running on the trail for a while near my house with no obstacles for $55 instead of $350? And with people I know doing it too? Yes! Count me in. I’ve already paid for and registered with friends for the Ultra Ragnar again in early October, and I can’t wait to be delirious running in the dark for my friends again either. Fun with friends – it’s something I knew little about before not that long ago.
Never in my life did I think I’d let competition go. I met my PT and now strength and conditioning coach 10 days after winning Tahoe, and I was singing a very different tune. I was all about continuing the journey in one way only: elite and winning. I was planning on how I could get to a place of absolute dominance, because anything less than that seemed pointless. It never occurred to me that just being healthy and happy and fit was enough. I had a taste of it, and I wanted more. My ego wanted more. My need for approval and external validation wanted more. My fear of not having seismic physical goals wanted more. My fear of getting fat and unfit and unspecial wanted more.
And then I broke my leg. I’d embark on a reset that I’ve never had to really do before. A reset that would require every ounce of practice I’d ever pursued in patience and tolerance, stillness and acceptance. A reset that would teach me more about myself in months than I had learned in many years.
As it’s turned out, I was ready for the reset. I was ready for the lesson. I didn’t appreciate people saying that there would be a lesson because I was still untangling the trauma of losing my ability to walk and to drive and to function normally overnight, but there was. Because there always is. And now I know my lesson: I am more than fitness. I am more than my body. I am more than a trophy or a goal or a race or a plan. I am more than competition. I can enjoy my body and explore my fitness and work really hard just because it brings me joy. I do not have to suffer to prove anything to anyone, especially myself. I do not have to pursue bigger and harder and scarier because what else is there to do now? I do not have to do anything. I do not have to hurt in order to prevail. I do not have to bend in order to grow.
And so I am excited. I am excited to see what this year brings for me and for those closer to me. I missed my time with my friends last year, and all of the years prior. I missed my time with my family. I missed my time with myself, and the space between that I’ve unknowingly always avoided.
I’ve been avoiding for a very long time. I had my own business and barely took 1 day off per week. I jumped into bodybuilding and was absolutely possessed. I jumped into OCR and scrambling for the best coach and adhering to pieces of paper. I sought bigger and badder and scarier and I did it.
And now, I don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to relax and take it easy. I want to bring joy to my own life and help bring joy to others. I want to run because I love to fucking run – and I really do. I missed it sorely. I missed the space between my ears. I miss the stillness. I miss the clarity. I missed the focus. And because I missed it, I will continue to do it. For long and hard miles, twisty and turny trails, hopefully picking up a friend or two along the way to accompany me.
But for that big, expensive, hard stuff? Nah. I’ll keep lifting because I appreciate the strength it results and the abilities it gives. I’ll keep working on that muscle up and explosiveness from the ground because I prefer to carry all of my own groceries and to escape the likely sooner than later apocalypse when it comes. I’ll keeping stretching myself and following programming because it gives me discipline and tact.
But when I need to move a day or miss one because something more important comes up, like spending time with people or going to a baby shower? I’m going to do it. When my body says it needs a break, or the pizza is super delicious on the menu? I’m going to do it. When it’s more fun to make a lot of money and treat myself to pampering and vacation? I’m going to do it.
And I hope you find a reason to do all of that too. If you have big (to you) physical goals, I hope you pursue them! Because we’re all worth it, with or without our stretch goals and our “have to’s” and our accolades. I’m grateful I finally found out that I’m pretty OK just as I am. It took some trophies and some long days and some scary nights, but I’m getting there.
One day at a time.
Thanks for sharing about your change in mindset, Alison. It is good to be at peace within.
Thank you for your support!