Being on zoom all day has taken me to a new level of exhaustion.
I can’t read body language. I can’t sense if someone is interested based on their energetic feedback that I am usually privy to in person. Sometimes, I can’t even see them and instead have to bite my tongue to avoid spewing over typing and background bullshit that wouldn’t otherwise be an issue. Then, to top it all off, I can see myself.
“Don’t touch your face.” “Don’t make that face.” “Don’t make any face.” “No wait, smile!” “Poker face!” “Why is my hair like that?” “Oh my god I’m so tired I can’t believe it’s only” …
And then my day ends, and I resume zoom for my recovery meetings that have been taken online.
I’m fucking tired. I continue to wax and wane with my own schedule, busyness and ability to straddle the middle that I can’t seem to find. And it’s a combination of things, not just zoom.
Promoting words by using words sucks (right now). I just read that in a book I’m reading now, and it struck me to my core. I had no idea the level of publicity required to get my message out there. I had no idea the amount of time I’d have to spend crafting thoughtful yet still unfiltered messages or composing hashtags and videos. I hate it. I hate being on social media so often and I hate thinking about it on the regular. I am all for shedding light on a story that could potentially help others, but right now I’m feeling the effects of the grunt work required to see that through. I miss my privacy and inconsistent appearances and utilizing social platforms to stay in touch with people and zone out on occasion.
I keep trying to keep up with everything, and everything keeps winning. Yes, I am complaining. I am complaining about choosing my life’s circumstances right now. While more than half our world is battling things I cannot comprehend, I am bitching about selling my story to the masses. While more than half the world is trying to figure out how to support themselves and their family in the future, I am annoyed that I have to make a video every week and research best practices in posting it. I see myself. I hear myself. And because I can both see and hear myself; I can accept that this phase is temporary and for my higher good and so I am OK to temporarily complain about it.
Just because other people are experiencing misfortune, doesn’t mean that I can’t allow myself to feel however I feel. Just because I have “high class problems” that I’ve created, doesn’t mean that I can’t whine and bitch. It’s what I do with them that matters, not what I think.
And so I’m taking extra precautions to being selfish in my self-care. I’m saying no more often to phone calls. I’m saying yes to Mike and spending time with friends. I’m saying yes to bedtime and being flexible when I train so I can get more sleep. I’m saying yes to work as I know that secures my future and hitting pause on the frequency of my blog posts and urgent need to produce them. I’m taking care to be around people that lift me up, not pull me down. I’m being mindful of what is enough, and not too much. I’m paying attention to when I need more, or when I need less – of anything. I’m allowing my feelings to come, detach, and let them go.
I let them go by not changing my foundation of prayer and pause, writing or reading. By not changing my foundation of sound nutrition, hydration, and movement. By not changing my foundation of being of service and showing up where I’m supposed to show up.
And because I don’t change that foundation, it’s been cemented to me even in the harder and least sensical of times, like right now.
What’s your foundation?