I Didn’t Know I’d Be So Naked

It is hard to expose yourself day in and day out on social media, and I had no idea I’d have to.  I wrote a book because I wanted to write a book.  I wrote a book because I want to help people, and I believe my story can.  I now know it’s going to take me staying fucking vulnerable in order to make sure that it does.

And I don’t like it.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s unnerving.  It’s seemingly unkind.  And not because of anyone else, but because of me.  Because of myself.  Because of that voice.

Because of that voice that second guesses my intentions.  Because of that voice that judges each photo I post as less than or unfiltered (as it should be).  Because of that voice that ridicules my sincerity and still lingering resistance to fully embracing and accepting who I am and what I look like every single day.

And I’m on display.  By choice.  Because I think it’s important to walk the walk, no matter what you talk.  Because that’s what somebody did for me, and what people continue to do for me.  I don’t buy from people that aren’t real.  I don’t trust people that are always “OK” or “everything’s fine” or “once I struggled and now I don’t”.

And now I believe it is my turn.  It’s my turn to be real.  It’s my turn to share how even sober and spiritually balanced, life can really suck sometimes.  And it can be real or imagined and imagined can often be a lot worse than real.  And it seems real.  And it seems true until you learn to keep acting your way into better thinking, knowing that eventually the thinking will change.  And you will know that because you have borrowed another’s experience to trust that and you surround yourself with those further up the emotionally and spiritually sober ladder.

I say this for you, but I really say it for me.  I say it because I am entering unchartered waters.  I say it because I keep having to remind myself of the amazing people I’ve stumbled across on social media, bleeding their wounds openly for the world to see, earning admiration and respect by doing so.  I say it because I keep having to remind myself of why I am doing this at all, why I am subjecting myself to emotional highs and emotional lows all at the expense of paying myself back for a year’s worth of book edits, graphic designers and formatting.

Because I care.  Because I want to help.  Because I believe my purpose is to carry the message to the still sick and suffering, and to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

Because on any given day, I am one of those still sick and suffering that needs to be reminded to keep practicing, even if I can’t see the results in my affairs.

Thank you for letting me practice.

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