I wasn’t always health conscious, or intentional about my health. I wasn’t always driven by a combination of loving nourishment and respect. I wasn’t always open and flexible and thoughtful.
In fact, for a long time, I was the polar opposite. I was almost consciously unhealthy. I was only driven by aesthetic results that waivered by the day and the light in front of the mirror, and what I thought I saw. I was only driven by rigidity and narrowness and a seismic lack of respect; and fear.
Primordial, oozing, fear. A fear that cast its spell upon my entire being and thus my entire life. A fear that demanded I obey or else. A fear that promised me I couldn’t fend for myself or take care of myself and certainly wasn’t worth either, let alone worth being recognized by another. A fear that condemned my every move from the moment I woke up, until the moment I put my head to rest – if I could.
For many years I ingested every form of chemical you could imagine – sober. I drank caffeine around the clock, chain smoked cigarettes and dumped salt and sugar on everything. I had extra cream and sugar, with some extra cream and sugar. I had more, because more is how I stopped the primordial ooze from screaming so loudly. I washed it down with some extra, because some extra is the only way I knew to make it stop entirely, even for just a moment. I didn’t stop to read ingredients or to think about the ramifications of what whatever that list included would affect me.
I drank for effect, and I ate (or didn’t eat) for effect. I drank caffeine to curb hunger and give me a feeling outside of those naturally occurring in my newly sober mind. I smoked cigarettes to dull my nerves that seemed to torch my entire body with every thought that came. I ate what foods came packaged and were easy to find, because I was constantly on the run. I eventually stopped eating all foods until nighttime because running took over my time and I was uninterested in nourishing my body despite the physical demands I continued to place on it.
I ate what calories were easy to count, and what foods were quickly made or consumed. I didn’t care much about getting sick or feeling bad – I only cared about what size my pants were and what people said they thought I looked like. I ate everything at night, because quite literally I couldn’t not eat after starving all day. I ate what other people condoned and were easily shared foods, so I felt at ease and a part of – unlike what my disease told me about myself every second of every day.
I eventually slowed my caffeine intake and quit smoking and spiraled further down the restrictive rabbit hole before I came up for full air. I went from eating really anything, to strategically counting and scanning. Then I went to eating nothing but dinner, at no holds bar to inching my way toward regular meals, back into more regimented fitness and thus more regimented foods. I bounced from commercial diet to commercial diet, again whatever was fad and condoned and socially accepted, as opposed to what actually worked for me.
I ate no processed ingredients after eating only processed ingredients, to a mix and match. I ate only certain food groups with intense judgment and scrutiny, after eating all food groups with minimal judgement and scrutiny, to eating a neutral mix. I drank caffeinated anything with a litany of added shit, to a moderate amount with less added stuff to black coffee with a splash of stevia on occasion only before noon. I went from never measuring anything other than calories because I was restricting, to rigidly eating out of Tupperware to eating what I need to meet my physical goals and health, with love and flexibility.
I write this out because I didn’t arrive at today overnight. I didn’t come to a place of true neutrality with food because I decided upon awakening one morning that I was done suffering and feeling bound by chains to my food thoughts. I didn’t come to a place of forgiveness and compassion and grace and sincerity because I knew what to do or what it was going to look like.
Wherever you are, start there. If you can’t put McDonald’s or Subway down, it’s OK. Just add some broccoli. If you can’t seem to find water naturally and only consume Monsters – it’s OK. Maybe buy a hydro flask or a water bottle that you can sip in between Monster swigs. If you can’t imagine walking during the day or getting off of the couch or out of your sweatpants, it’s OK. Text a friend and ask them to walk with you, or to hold you account for those first 1k steps.
Wherever you are, start there. And know you can get somewhere else, and that somewhere else can be forward should you want it to be.