I read something this morning about my ego being bored because I’m too busy thinking about myself. “To be egotistical and self-centered is to be bored. If we are always the center of our awareness, we will soon tire of ourselves, since none of us is all that fascinating”.
Oy. It hit me hard, because it’s true. Except I do find myself insatiably fascinating, and thus continue to think about me constantly. It’s not all bad, and it’s not all greater than thou – I’m just on my mind a lot. I think about how I’m doing or how I’m not. I think about how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown, and how much work I still have to do. I think about how guarded and untrusting and closed I can still be, and how I trust that I will soften as I continue to sit with the hardness.
I’ve been bored because I am not producing at work. I am doing all of the right things, and I am doing all of the things they’re asking me to do. But I’m on limited meetings with viable prospects, and I’m not working on any proposals or closing any deals. Poor me, right? Some days I wonder if I still know what I’m talking about. Other days I am so blissfully grateful to have time in my life to do other things besides work. There was a time when I didn’t want that – I didn’t want to do anything besides work because work was a defining metric for me, and I held it very high. I was my work. I was my bank account. I was what I did. Not ironically, now that I don’t feel that way, I have more money in that account than ever before. I’m more stable, secure and content. I finish work when I’m supposed to finish work and more days than not, I don’t think about it again until it’s time to get going.
I’ve been bored because poor me, I only have miles of trails behind my house to entertain me. I only have so many books I’m interested in consuming at one time (two at the moment, one on business and leadership and the other on questioning my thoughts). I only have access, like everyone else, to zoom meetings and virtual get togethers aside from the weekend hike we’ve been partaking with a select few and I tell you, most times it feels like we took a trip to Disney.
See, my ego cares about these things. My ego cares about me closing deals and getting sales blasts and recognition (which I am getting anyway and in a much bigger way, coincidentally). My ego cares about the number of steps I take each day or the number of miles I run each week. My ego cares about the number on the scale or the fluctuation in my heart rate. My ego cares about having shit to do. My ego cares about the attention I receive and of what kind. My ego cares about getting flowers more often or surprise calls or texts.
Not my recovering self. Not my real voice. Not my higher purpose. I know this is an unprecedented time and one that we may never have again. That is a blessing (to never have it again), because many are suffering and dying and broke. And it is a curse (to see it pass once it does), because we have so obviously taken for granted the simpler things in life like human touch and affection, the Earth’s begging to be cleaner, time with our loved ones, or the ability to do anything we want at any given time. I know I take for granted my freedom, the luxury of time, and the ability to have a more flexible schedule while also still hustling.
And I don’t want to miss this. I don’t want my ego (edging God out) to rob me of this experience that I’ve never had before, and likely will never have again. Today would’ve been my first race of the year, but it was cancelled due to COVID. Not ironically, I’m not ready anyway. And there’s no shame in that – I didn’t plan to break my leg, just like nobody planned to have to be confined to their home unless they wore a mask to protect their face. Nobody usually asks for what we really need, because most of us don’t actually know what that is.
I know I was begging for a break. I was begging for a reset. I was begging to figure out how to balance work, success, relationships, my family, my training, and quiet. I was begging to appreciate what I learned all winter being in my home and without the ability to walk. I was begging for a means to save money and stop spending. I was begging to be more grateful and to have perspective and to stop being so harsh.
And here we are. I got what I begged for; it just didn’t look like I expected. Because it never does.
Were you asking for a break without realizing it?