Not everything is as it seems. I was spiraling about Mike not answering my text or my call, and there he was on the phone with his accountant. He didn’t have to tell me that he had a call at 10 which he forgot about. My old narrative is riddled with fear, and he’s moving in today – permanently. A hair early to help me with my situation, but also because he’s moving in any way. I am delighted and also aware that my disease is up in arms. I haven’t lived with anyone or even considered living with anyone since my ex. And that was four years ago exactly now.
Time heals everything, eventually. It changes the way we feel in the moment, but not always our initial and internal response to things. Eventually, when we can feel differently about it from a distance, we are more likely to make better decisions and be able to take adequate stock of a situation before leaping into the fire. I used to burn myself all of the time, rarely feeling it. I used to take time outs (for a year at a time), and then jump right back in because that year wasn’t a year spent with myself and God, working on that most sacred connection. The fire was still attractive.
It makes sense that I had a horrible dream about Mike the other night, that has no barring in reality. It was bad enough that it woke me up and kept me up, animated with emotion and anger. Fear disguising itself in my sleep. It makes sense that I wondered where he was the other morning. And instead of just wondering, assumed he was doing something other than coming over here. My fear had convinced me that he was not going to show up today and that this wasn’t going to happen. I am in love with someone and feel like after all of these years, I have finally met an equal. And I’m ready to do this with him, and I’m also scared. And because I am scared, I was up in arms about not reaching him when I literally never think twice when he doesn’t answer my call.
Damn. We’ve been together for over a year and not once has he given me reason to not trust him. Not once has he not shown up for me, or for what he had already committed. Not once has he slighted me in a way that I couldn’t talk to him about and rectify in the next opportunity. Sure, I’ve had some disappointment along the way, but I know that is relationships: we are people, and we are all fallible. I know I disappoint people too. I am a pain in the ass, especially if you’re close to me and my vulnerability shows up as insecurity and judgment, instead of what it is. It’s not personal, it’s not intentional, and it’s not permanent.
As a partner, it is my job to show up and do my part and act the way that I want to be treated. It is not somebody else’s job to treat me well first, and then I can decide how I want to respond. It just doesn’t work that way.
If I want kindness, I must show kindness – first. If I want consideration, I must show consideration – first. If I want patience, I must show patience – first. If I want tolerance, I must show tolerance – first. If I want love, I must show love – as they are, first. And so, it begins with me.
Why is that still true? I’ll keep coming back.