I am NOT Getting Married

I want to write about this, but I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy or disrespect what’s happened.  As you know, I am very honest and being cryptic isn’t my style.  I also live spiritually, and in alignment with that belief system, so I am going to do my best to write about how I am doing and feeling and what’s happened without divulging anything that would ultimately harm anyone else, including me.

 

After 3 ½ years of dating, 2 ½ years of living together, and almost 3 months of being engaged, Mike and I broke up.  It was my choice and one I am at peace with, despite some of the internal dialogue that I’ll be 37 soon and single AGAIN!  I know there is a plan here and this is for my highest self.

 

Over the years, I have worked really hard to learn what is acceptable for me and what is not.  I have worked really hard to learn how to be with Alison, and to hold that relationship as priority along with my version of God.  I have worked really hard to be the best partner to anyone, by putting myself first and by speaking truthfully and openly about what I need.  I am finally the woman and partner that I would want to have in my own life, and am no longer expecting somebody else to fill that gap for me.

 

There are certain things that I cannot do and lying is one of them.  Another is not doing what you say you will do.  I have a lot of capacity, but not within these two verticals.  I promised myself after my ex-Matt that I would not entertain any of what I experienced with him, and I am sticking to that promise 8 years later.

I come first.  I love myself more than anyone else, and while I have a lot of love for other people, I do not have more love for them than I do for myself.  What a fucking miracle, because this was not always true.  I was too afraid to be alone and too afraid to trust a plan I couldn’t control.  But not today, and not ever again.

 

I am debatably too independent.  I say debatably because most relationships morph into a blend of me and you.  And while Mike and I had a blend, it was the least blended I’ve ever been in a romantic relationship.  Maybe that was God’s way of sparing me now and allowing me more ease as I transition back to being alone.  Maybe that was my inner self staying guarded after being wrecked in the past.  Or maybe that was just me and Mike – I will never know.  What I do know, is that I have kept my own routine, my own time, my own stuff, and my own rhythm throughout this relationship.  I have kept my mornings to myself, work from home, spend the afternoon/evenings unwinding with recovery-oriented things, talking to people, taking care of myself in a myriad of ways and living.  We definitely did things together, but maybe this doesn’t feel as awful because my life feels about the same.  I rarely saw Mike in the morning, and often at night he’d come home as I was heading up to bed.  On his days off he slept a lot, and I worked and did my thing and then he did his thing.  We spent as much of Saturday together as we could, so this past weekend felt weirder than anything but OK.

 

Maybe this feels so OK because I trust God.  I don’t know how else to explain this loss, but I know this is for my protection. I have felt my brother in a way I haven’t since he died.  I have been seeing more cardinals than ever before and have heard him say “go”.  I trust him, and that he’s orchestrating things in a way that I will listen.  And I am.

 

I was so scared of what happened to me when my ex and I broke up years ago, that I think I swung all the way to the other side of the spectrum.  Matt and I were fire – you could feel it if you got close.  Everything about us was passionate, intense, and loud.  So, when things were good?  They were SO GOOD.  But when things were bad?  They were BAD.  And maybe only the last few years before the bottom fell out did they settle down a bit, but ultimately, I took to heart the suggestion that “you don’t marry the guy you hang from the chandelier with” (or relate to the Eminem/Rhianna song with).

 

So, I swung.  I swung over to what I thought was steady, consistent, quiet, and a little bit boring.  I swung over to what I thought was safety, security, and different.  I swung over to differences in almost every area: music taste, physical priorities, food, schedules, energy levels.  I swung over because I honestly thought that’s what God wanted me to do.

 

But it would appear that He doesn’t.  God wants me to live the life beyond my wildest dreams, and I will admit that I have not been.  I obviously was OK with what I had, but now that I don’t have it, I am so grateful.  I am so grateful that I am not settling to the far side of the pendulum where I don’t belong.  I am so grateful I am so independent and full of grit and grace and tenacity so that I can continue living my life and not miss a beat.  I’m not saying I won’t be sad and that this didn’t rock me to my core, but honestly after losing my brother, nothing touches that.  And because I have worked so hard to have a rock-solid foundation of next right actions and an even more solid foundation of people, I really am OK.

 

And so is Bam.  I had Omar picked up because he reminded me of Mike, and it wasn’t working anymore.  I had him a week and by the end of the week, I knew it was time.  Oh, and those extra pounds I’d been carrying that I wrote about last time?  GONE. My body knew something was off and I just couldn’t figure it out.  Nights with intense stomach pains – gone.  My body knew, and she was patient until the signs became crystalized and BLAZING RED and here we are – no more pain, no more swelling, no more bloating, no more wondering.

 

Free.

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