I Want What I Have

I’m calm.  I feel balanced.  I’m not in a hurry and I’m not attached.

It’s somewhat new.  I’ve been practicing hard.  Not by choice at first, but willingly now.

Life is grey, not black and white.  Most of my life I have lived in the black and white.  The all or the nothing.  The best or the worst.

I’m learning that it doesn’t have to be that way.  In fact, I’m learning that I don’t want it to be that way.

At first I thought it was boring.  I thought it was mundane.  I thought simple was … not for me.

Turns out, I was wrong.  I want simple.  I crave mundane (my version of it).

I don’t need outside of me, at least not as much.  I don’t need a fancier SUV, today.  My Jeep works fine.  I don’t need a bigger home; our townhome works fine.  I don’t need to fill my day with stuff; ebb and flow works fine.  I don’t need to work every single day, either; PTO works a lot more than fine.  I don’t need to have a plan or a goal or a race on the calendar; training for joy and freedom and me rocks. 

A lot.  I am loving this newly found sweet spot of not really having any goals.  It started as a joke: Alison’s goal is to have no goals, but it’s turned into a sacred rhythm I want to abide by.  Of course, I have goals at work and a budget to hit by the end of the year and things I want to do, but I don’t have a fitness goal in the form of competition.  I don’t have anything on the calendar to “get ready for”.  I have milestones I want to hit, like getting that least freaking pull-up to hit 10 consecutive or recently the temptation to master one-arm push-ups and continue to rebuild my leg strength and pushing power.

But that’s it.  I am continuing to post on social media in a way that feels natural and personal and authentic, aiming for more podcast interviews and people reached.  I am continuing to ask people to share my book and to read, but I am not worried about the end result or how many get sold or where it finally lands.  I am continuing to show up fully in my life, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely content doing less and living more.

I’m not forcing myself to write or to post blogs on a certain schedule – they come when they come.  I’m not making myself go places or do things that don’t fit.  I’m not adhering to a certain number of meetings because I’m finding that my needs change every day, especially in this virtual environment.  I’m really enjoying being able to play solitaire by myself, take the dogs out multiple times a day, walk the pathways we live on and just breathe.

For the first time in what feels like ever, I have time.  I have never had time.  I have always made time, but I have always had things bump up after one another and no time to sit, not down and certainly not with myself.  I tend to thrive off of super busy and chalk full, until I eventually crash and take a day and then back to it.  I don’t want that anymore.  I want easier.  I want softer.

I want what it appears that I have right now and I’m leaning toward not letting it go any time soon.

2 thoughts on “I Want What I Have”

  1. Time and goals are great topics.

    I learned that there really is enough time to do whatever we want or don’t want to do!

    I wrote Saturday on a piece of paper last night with nothing under it.

    Got up early, hit a meeting, went to the gym, stopped by a friends house to just say hi, talked to my daughters and now I’m gonna join my wife in the couch for a nap.

    Not anxious or worried about how the rest of the day goes. I’m alive, living fully in Gods abundance!

    Thanks for your thought provoking blog.


    1. There’s not only time on our side, but time is required! “Things I must earn”. God gives us exactly what we’re ready to have in exactly the right time. That home I think I need will be there when we’re ready for it! The cars will always be there! And, so will people like you and me. Xoxo

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