Pride. The feeling you get from things accomplished. Or, the feeling you get from things not accomplished.
Ego. What you think about yourself on a total scale of worthiness or enoughness.
I’ve googled it recently as “pride” has been brought to my attention as the true culprit for my undercurrent of anxiety and constant thinking. I have always thought about my ego and given it attention – I am either everything or I am nothing. I either am or I am not. I think about myself first, I think about myself the most, and that is edging God out.
Pride though, pride is not something I have given a lot of time. But pride resonates. Pride is the reason I care about how many followers I have on Instagram as I try to spread my message. Pride is the reason I get nervous before I do pull-ups in the gym; I care how I do and how I perform and how strong I am. Pride is the reason I care how I look. Pride is the reason I care about my results at work and how I sound when I speak. Pride is why I spend so much time checking boxes and writing lists and setting goals and setting new goals.
Ego says I, me, myself. Pride says you and me, what do you think about that? Ego says I am greater or lesser, not in the middle. Pride says I am supposed to be greater or lesser, because the middle doesn’t make me stand out.
My recovery says: the middle, the grey, the peace is where God is. And God is where I connect. God is love. Love is within me. Love extends to you and softens us together. God is inside of me, available at all times. God is grace.
And grace allows me to tenderly hold both my pride and ego, at the same time, without judgement. Grace allows me to watch and to listen and to observe and to be. Grace allows me to continue trudging, without worrying as much when it’ll change or how. Time has taught me that it will change – how I think and how I feel and how I react and how I relate to the world. Grace has taught me that I can trust time.
Time: things I must earn. I must earn the right to be relieved of my perception and my way of reacting to the world around me. I must earn the right to share space with other people that truly love and care about me. I must earn the right to health and right living and sobriety and sanity. I must earn the right to share and to be heard. I must earn the right to change.
And it usually hurts, first. It usually stings, a lot. I have to get really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have to get really sick and tired of me.
And I am. I am also sick and tired of the monotony of the day. I am sick and tired up the ups and the downs and the constant swinging between. I am sick and tired of being busy for the sake of not knowing what else to do, or not having anything else to do at all. I am sick and tired of knowing so much about myself and my world and how much more I have to learn and evolve. I am sick and tired of …
All of it. And I know that will change, too. In time.