Sassy

I have the tendency, like many of us, to think that I’m not doing a good enough job.  I have the tendency to think that because of my years of studying and practicing better ways of behaving, that I should be putting them to perfect practice, at all times.  And when I don’t think I’m doing a good enough job, or that I’m not putting to practice these things that I know, I can bring you in with me and make you think that you’re not doing a good enough job, either.

Right now, no one is doing a good or a bad job and I don’t like that I still use language to describe my behavior and thinking as “good” or “bad”.  We all have ways of coping and they all look and feel differently.  In times like these, I also need to remember that feelings aren’t facts.  Just because I feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s true or that it needs to be analyzed and judged and even changed – it may just change on its own as it runs its cycle and passes.

To be more specific, I can’t seem to always keep my mouth shut.  The invisible muzzle I conger up over the day seems to disappear as soon as Mike opens the front door, or as soon as he comes downstairs in the morning.  It’s like all of the things I have been trying to ride out and be patient about come erupting to the surface and boiling over, me watching my words pelt him for no real reason.  Not invalidating my own needs or wants or right to share, but often times the situation in my head is amplified to a place of unnecessary urgency, angst and unfairness.  The situation in my head isn’t factual – it’s my side of the street, without a mirror.  It’s me talking to me about me.  It’s self-centered in nature and fear based to the extreme.

And it sucks.  The last person I want to hurt or alienate is Mike.  I’ve never had a relationship like this; one built on a slow, stable foundation of communication and trust.  I’ve chosen people in the past that needed me and didn’t have an independent or full life of their own.  I’ve chosen people that built me up and put me on a physical pedestal, further amplifying my self-centeredness and thinking about my body because their thoughts about my body were primary.  They gave me physical adoration and attention and because my mind goes their first, it falsely made me feel like I was loved and enough.

But now, I’m with someone who doesn’t center his life around me or my body or praising either.  He has his own life and wants me in his, as a compliment.  There isn’t a need.  There isn’t a disproportioned amount of attention going toward one part of me, a part of me that could change at any moment and will certainly change over time.  There isn’t a false sense of security because I am treated based on how I look.  I am genuinely loved.  I am genuinely supported.  I am genuinely respected.  And that shit is fucking scary.  It’s scary because it’s new.  It’s scary because it’s unknown and what is unknown can be uncomfortable.  And when it’s uncomfortable, my mind pollutes me with ways to make it seemingly better, and that usually means old behaviors and manipulation and some level of push-pull and guardedness out of fear. 

I don’t like it anymore.  It’s unattractive.  And as much as I hate that these pieces are still a very big part of me, I’m finding it difficult to let them go.  I didn’t even know that I was guarded still, until taking a step back and really looking at myself.  I didn’t even know I was closing and that I was untrusting and that I was blaming – until now.

God has certainly blessed me with the perfect practice partner.  I’m grateful, and hopeful.  I did a lot of work on myself, by myself, before I was ready for this.  As great as our relationship is, it is a lot of work, and a lot of that work feels hard.  It’s not because he isn’t invested or trying, but I keep falling back on my old behaviors and expecting them to be different.  They only become different through action, and I only gain the opportunity to act in real time.  I’m not going to wake up one day and be cured of myself, like I expect and want so badly.  I’m not going to start remaining open because it sounded good in my head on my third dog walk – I have to act my way into openness.

And when my tendency is to close, despite how open I appear on this screen, it’s uncomfortable.  I am tense, sometimes a bit ferocious, and definitely always sassy.  Thank God he appreciates my sass.  Maybe not all of it is bad.