For some of you, welcome. For others, welcome back. It feels appropriate to refresh my blog after a couple of years of pausing on my 23rd sober anniversary. To reconnect through the pen and paper and open up again. To rekindle that creative energy I have been blessed with, my willingness to share vulnerably what it feels like to be me in hopes of allowing you to open up in your own way, in your own world, too.
23 years ago my life would change forever, without me knowing it at all. I would embark on my greatest, most sacred journey without drugs or alcohol and be introduced to a way of living that I cannot imagine otherwise. I would be taught principles that guide my every day; how to treat people better, how to mind my side of the street, how to spare you so that I don’t disrupt our time together. I would be shown, over and over and over again, that life is about learning and trust and experiencing my own lessons so that one day, I could lend that experience to someone else until they had their own.
Thank you. Thank you, God, thank you Alison, thank you 12-step recovery, thank you everyone who has supported me and continues to support me along this journey. To be sober now more than half my life is the biggest gift, one I hope I never take for granted. I am indebted, but it never feels that way. It is an honor and a privilege to share and to be of service and to start from a place of submission and prayer every morning to stay.
Stay. I wanted to write about that this morning because I’ve been thinking about what sobriety has given me (other than everything), and if I was given one way of describing this way of life, it is that I have been given staying power. Maturity, wisdom, patience, tolerance, and trust. I now know that whatever is happening, will sort itself out. I now know that despite being uncertain, uncomfortable, unaware – the best is on its way for me, and I will know what to do when I am supposed to. The best is my best. I am my best; not necessarily the materials my life presents or the circumstances, but I am the best version of myself and continue to level up to a new place. I know that it may hurt right now, but it will not hurt forever. I know that this balance I feel I’ve rekindled is here for now but may also change. I know that grace will slip a bit and I’ll be reminded that I have to stay working to get it back.
I know, that if I just hang in there, if I just stay, that it will be so much better than I can possibly imagine. Because I am so much better than I could have possibly imagined. I will establish such an intimate relationship with myself, that I will know without question that I am to be trusted – by me. If I just stay, I know that my life will continue to blossom beyond places I even realized I wanted. Because it has. Because my life is so freaking big, wild, full of love and grace and adventure that I speak from a place of truth. A truth that I want you to know, too.
I am writing again because I want you to trust. I want you to trust that this too shall pass – this place of darkness, uncertainty, sloppiness. I want you to know that if you just stay, if you just relax into this moment and day and era, it will change. I can’t promise that it will look just like mine, but I can promise that it will be for your best, most personal, most appropriate reality for you. Because if you do stay, you will change. You can change. You probably want to; you just don’t yet know how. And you are the entire point. This life isn’t for anyone else – not your family, not your parents, not your audience – you. Your littlest self, your present self, your future self.
Go get it today. And stay long enough to see it through.