Sugar

I don’t eat it anymore, unless it is during my long runs on the weekend or during a competitive event where my nutritionist has prescribed me to give my body what it needs, in the form that it can be used, at that time.  I don’t love it, and she knows that, but she hasn’t ever really been one to care about my feelings when it comes to my weight, my body or my thoughts.  I am grateful for that, because I don’t pay her to be my buddy.  I pay her to fuel my body and to take of care my health, and she has.

People that don’t know me as well think I’m just health conscious.  They think I’m a fitness fanatic and concerned with the scientific evidence that sugar really is as addictive as cocaine (if not more), and that I don’t eat certain things because I am rigid.  Yes, these things are true.  But if you know my story and have been witness to the things that I have endured over the years, you would know that the real reason I have not eaten processed sugar in the last 20 months is because when I start eating sugar, I cannot stop. 

Here’s a little snapshot of what happens to me when I eat sugar: an inner fire that I cannot contain gets lit.  I feel physically and mentally compelled to keep eating, whether it tastes good or satisfies me or makes me feel good, or not.  I become engulfed by a need that cannot be squelched until I get what substance my brain screams for – be it that day, that night, or a week later.  The energy is takes to think about the need and the fire is overwhelming – there is no room for anything or anyone else, literally.  I don’t give a fuck about you, or my job, or my family, or the deadlines I am supposed to meet.  I don’t care about what I said I was going to do or not do.  I don’t care about all of the times before I swore I wouldn’t make myself sick on the floor from discomfort from a total inability to stop.  It is painfully shameful and demoralizing, and it is real.

I may eat more sugar, or I may eat something else.  I may eat one giant meal a week, calling it a “cheat meal”, or I may not eat for days at all and skip meals entirely.  I may avoid food groups on some diet, or I may count macros.  I may go to the doctor to have food sensitivities tested, or I may try to eat “intuitively”.  I may try anything but deal with the real subject matter at hand: my inability to deal with life on life’s terms when I am eating certain foods.

There is nothing pleasurable about eating to numb or to avoid.  There is nothing nourishing about consuming beyond the point of clarity.  There is nothing fun about thinking about eating and food nonstop, hating yourself and your body as you recognize it.  There is nothing noteworthy about crucifying yourself in the gym to rid yourself of the parts you want to cut off with a knife, or running on empty to dispel yourself of the feelings you wake and go to bed with.

No, that is not living.  And that is what it used to be like for me, before I stopped eating the things that made me do that to myself.  I lost the power of choice, and until I could admit defeat and acknowledge and accept that no, I am not normal when it comes to certain foods and ways of eating, I had no parameters for how to be and how to do better.  I had no ability to connect or to align with myself, let alone you.  I had no hope that it would ever be any different.  I was suffering, a lot of the time.  You wouldn’t know it, as I imagine you wouldn’t know many people are suffering, but I was.  And today, because I choose to avoid certain foods and behaviors and have enlisted an army of support, it doesn’t have to be that way.  One meal at a time, one day at a time, one choice at a time. 

So next time you try to get someone to take a bite of dessert, or eat a slice of bread, or “just eat the cookies for Christmas” – think again.  They may not be eating those things to protect themselves from the havoc that can be disordered eating.  They may be fighting a greater battle than you could ever imagine, and one bite away from losing it.  Be respectful, be open, and be kind.  It may not be sugar for you, but it could be something else if you slow down long enough to tap into what could be blocking you from the sunlight. 

We thank you.