I had no idea I hadn’t dealt with the trauma that is my past romantic life. Specifically, I had no idea how terrified I was of being left again and not good enough.
Those are my core operating fears, underneath of every behavior, every irritation, ever angst: I am not enough, and I will be alone.
It took Mike moving in and me being down for the count and sitting with myself 24/7 to even realize that this was a thing. We’ve been together for over a year now, traveled to various places and experienced a lot of things as a couple. We have separate lives and also share a lot of things, but never have I been in a partnership where my partner was not waiting for me to decide to do something on his own or for himself, nor with someone who equally respected my own desire to be my own person and to do the same.
In the past, I have been attracted to people that needed me. I have been attracted to people that were attached to my hip, attached to my thoughts, and attached to me. I lived with a man and dated someone who actively chose heroin over me. It was not enough (to want better). I lived with that same man and was prepared to say “yes”, despite him actively spending nights (and long durations of time) in jail. It was not enough (to seek better). I continued to show up for that relationship, codependent and enmeshed in all its glory, until the Universe said “enough” for me, and I had no idea that I hadn’t processed the underlying trauma that I incurred as a result.
Until now. Now I know that I am afraid that when Mike doesn’t come to bed with me, that he’s avoiding me. Now I know that I’m afraid that when Mike doesn’t wake up like he said he would in the morning, that I’m afraid he’s going to end up being non-committal and unreliable. Now that I know I’m afraid that when Mike is short with me because I am not always perfect, I am afraid that he is going to find out that I’m not so special after all – and he is going to leave.
I am fucking afraid that I am not enough for this amazing partner of a man I have attracted. I am afraid that I am going to ruin this relationship and all of its potential, because I can’t always keep my mouth shut. I am afraid that I will push him away because I am so afraid of my “stuff” being too much: my food, my body image, my anxiety at doing too little, my … you can literally make up anything and insert it here.
Fear: false evidence appearing real. Also aptly referred to as “fuck everything and run”. See, I always picked people that would leave, so I wouldn’t have to. I always picked people that would turn out less than desirable, because then I wouldn’t have to work on myself. I always picked people that hurt me, so I could continue to live out the self-sabotaging belief that I was not good enough. I always picked people that depended on me, so I could continue to avoid taking responsibility for myself and my own life. I always picked people that were superficially obsessed with their own bodies, diets, overnight successes or goals, so I didn’t have to think long-term or focus on myself or so that we didn’t have to deal with the elephant in the room that was our destructive relationship. I always picked people that had so much volcanic activity that I never had to sit too long with Alison, because I was constantly mesmerized by their emitting pollution.
Well, I have picked differently this time. And as much as I credit this new pick with being kinder, more patient and more thoughtful than I, I am also reminded that I attracted that because I am that. I am thoughtful, patient and kind. I am poised, independent and self-sufficient. I am special. I am enough – and probably a whole lot more.
It’s amazing the things I can accomplish and write down on paper, yet still hear that voice that says “nope, still not enough.” It’s amazing the line out the door asking for my experience with halting bulimia and self-loathing, yet I can still hear that voice that says “nope, not there yet.”
And I suppose that is the human condition. We are conditioned to think we are not enough, so that we constantly reach for more. We are conditioned to think we are not enough, so that we are constantly seeking outside. The reality is that the only thing we really need to seek is a Higher Voice and a Higher Energy and an anything bigger than that voice to be still enough to receive it. I can seek the expensive car (that I am in fact plotting to purchase when I can drive again), but I don’t need the expensive car to right me. I can seek the nice clothes and decorated style to help boost my spirits when they are at an all-time low, but I don’t need to outfit myself in order to be enough in a room of people or a room by myself. I can seek a leaner body and a stricter food plan, but I don’t need to be shredded in order to be enough in my relationships.
And just like I don’t need to seek externally, I also don’t need to succumb to the ghosts of my past relationship(s). I don’t need to worry that Mike is staying downstairs to avoid me and to upset me. I don’t need to worry that my humanness and want to be quiet in the morning will turn him away. I don’t need to assume that lack of structured and militant discipline means non-committal and irresponsible. I don’t need to assume that I am not enough, not worthy, not special.
I just need to trust God. I need to put to use all of the things I’ve been studying over the years, so that I can show up fully right now. I was not prepared to feel how uncomfortable I’ve felt until now. I was not prepared to show up for this work – this cellular work – until now. And God knew that. He didn’t break my leg any sooner than I’d be able to handle it, and he didn’t move Mike in any sooner than I’d be able to handle it.
I’m 34, over 16 years sober, incredibly independent and self-sufficient and still seeking. I am seeking more fulfilment, more usefulness, more opportunity for growth, and a better version of me. As it turns out, I attracted a partner that is doing the same things, independent of me. He is doing that on his own, without me. That’s why I am attracted to him – he doesn’t need me to be the best version of himself. He’s doing that work on his own, just like I am doing my work on my own. And I’ve never had that. I’ve never had a true partnership that two people were running their own lives, coming together in the middle connected and well and available. I’ve only had interwoven circles, half blazing and burning so bad it hurt too much to let go.
And despite my enormous fear and noticed trauma and the need to deal with it now, I know I don’t want that anymore and it’s time to truly level up here. And I can.