I woke up blah. Rather, I never really felt like I went to bed or slept. That’s not necessarily new for me, but it’s becoming more frustrating as I age because I feel inept at finding the “right” (aka perfect and scripted) solution for me and my much-needed quality night of sleep and rest. I judge myself fiercely for needing natural sleep aids (and a plethora of them), and for not being a person who can just lie down, pass out, and wake up with an alarm.
I digress. So, I was blah. It was grey out, and I felt grey inside. I socialized a lot this weekend, and while it was beautiful and I enjoyed everyone’s company and have really soaked up the fun of dressing up and going out, it did me in. If I’ve learned anything about myself throughout this pandemic, it is that I am definitely an introvert and recharge by myself. It’s a delicate balance between isolation and self-care, and I usually don’t find balance until after I’ve swung too far in one direction or another, but I’m trying.
So, what did I do to not be “blah”? I did the next best thing for myself, one thing at a time. I did my morning prayer, reading, card pulling, meditation and audioed a friend en route to the gym. I moved my body and trained and was reminded of why I eat enough food to support my activity level instead of just enough food to have the etched abs and less fatty legs I am always wishing I had (and am often distracted by instead of the real issue at hand). I took care of Bam. I ate my planned foods and nourished myself physically. I showered and sported a bright green blazer because I have found that when everything else “fails” (aka doesn’t work fast enough), dressing well usually trumps most other things. If I were to stay in my gym clothes or wear sweats or whatever, I wouldn’t ever elevate beyond my shit mood. I even wear flats in the house to complete the outfit.
And as I have trained myself to be, I am honest about where I am. I reach out to others to see how they are, and share. We swap. I remain grateful, and I remain diligent, but I remain authentic. I know it’ll pass; I just have to move my way through it until it does.
I also remain exposed, which if I chill long enough to really take a look at, is exactly why I feel blah. I am vulnerable right now. I am entering the world of meeting other people and allowing them to really meet me, and I am scared. I am equally excited and scared, both. Simultaneously. I am excited to meet new friends that may become more, and I am excited to do different things. I am excited that the weather is turning and most of us want to get outside. I am also scared. I am scared that I’ll go too fast and not extend grace to my own self first, and not allow time to take its course. I am scared that I am going to get hurt again because I miss the part where my gut checks in and I run by it in hopeful want of my next long-term romance and forever friend. I am scared I’ll pick wrong. I am scared I’ll pick right!
I am scared that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. I mean, do I? I know how to be a friend. I know how to communicate. I know how to stand with integrity and show up with honor. But how do I do that from the lens of a romantic partner? Maybe that’s the part that I place too many expectations and negate the fact that I do know how to do this, because “this” isn’t any different than the rest of the things I already do every day. I just short-circuit when I get to thinking about “more”, and physical intimacy, and the rest. How human of me.
The truth is that I short-circuit because I want all of that. I never didn’t. And I want it now! But “now” skips over the gut checks and the grace and the time it takes to get there. And I don’t want to skip these parts. I don’t want to get stuck in what hasn’t even happened yet and miss the part that actually is really fun and exciting in getting to know people. And letting me know them.
I can take rest in that when I am true to me – I say yes to me and whatever to you – then that’s exactly what happens. But when I say yes to you and no to me … we all lose. Every single time.
Who are you saying “yes”, to?