Ragnar

It was a spiritual experience.  One I have been reflecting on for the last few days, tears brimming.  Not because of the one hour of sleep or the 32 miles logged or the insane storm we had that produced quicksand mud or even running in the middle of the night in the dark.  But because of the people.  Because of the experience.  Because we can all do so much more than we think.

I saw a team picture and it immediately provoked gratitude and emotion and joy.  Why?  For the first time it feels like ever, I was not alone.  Yes, I was running by myself each leg, but I was running for my team and not for Alison.  Of course I had personal goals and presence of self, but when my legs felt tired and my mind said “slow down”, I kicked on because I was running for the next person waiting for me and the rest of my team cheering me on.

I am used to competing alone.  I meet people on social media, but not often do I race with them or train with them (When we do, it’s kickass awesome).  I have people that come by me for a few miles here and there, or people that have joined ventures for fun, but as I have progressed in my physical pursuits, the journey has narrowed.  A lot.  And I’ve been fucking lonely.

This was different.  Not only did I somehow enlist a full group of 3 teams, but more than half of them were close friends of mine and now even closer.  Not only was I not going to be alone all weekend, but I was going to be able to race for my friends, instead of against or away from them.  We were a team, never one man (or woman) for themselves.  And not only did a bunch of people show up to do something together, three of them were doing exactly what I was and loving every minute of it.  I found a tribe.  I found a group of crazy dudes willing to go the distance, anxiously awaiting the next time we go back out there.

I’m not used to that.  I’m not used to somebody feeling so jazzed and equally grateful that they’re already looking at the calendar for the next opportunity to cover some ground.  I’m not used to somebody tagging along and appreciating the effort instead of cursing it.  I’m not used to somebody coming along for the duration, at all.  So to say I am overwhelmed with emotion and thanks is an understatement.  At almost 34 (gasp), I have finally chosen the team over myself.  I have finally come to connect with wanting to be one of instead of the only.  I have come to want to be part of and in the middle, instead of outlying as the best or the worst. 

I know I will never go to the Olympics.  I will never be the fastest, or the strongest, or the best.  And for the first time in my entire life, I am OK with that.  I am embracing it.  I am still really hard on myself and push myself daily, but it is no longer because of the belief that I am my performance.  It is no longer because I think I have to prove something to somebody in order to be loved.  It is because I love myself and I love how I feel when I am moving across the ground.  It is because I have fallen in love with the process and the journey, instead of the destination.  It is because I am so fucking stoked that my body can show up this way, showing up for her feels like an act of gratitude and service. 

When I get out of the way and out of the negative old ass story that my legs aren’t perfect (looking) and I don’t have enough visible abs (by the time I go to bed), I can be enormously thankful for the fact that I can even move at all.  My own mother has lost that ability, and I couldn’t have a more prevalent and personal example of what it looks like to not have something I take for granted so regularly.  When I get out of the mindset that I have to be different (looking) or even look a certain way and can show up for the experience that I am having, like my legs effortlessly pushing up hills for me after a proper taper and timed nutrition, I can stay right sized and available to the people around me.

Out there, in the woods and moving along the ground, I have found God.  I have found something I enjoy that doesn’t require me to be the best.  I have found a way of moving that frees me from myself and the bondage that has enslaved me for most of my life.  I have found a way that brings me inspiration and a full heart, so long as I stay out of the way.  I have found a way to bring more people into my movement with me and that experience alone is worth showing up for.  I want to explore places I’ve never been and see things I’ve never seen.  I want to take care of my body so that I can keep going when I’m old and most people are brittle.  I want to motivate and inspire and be kind – to myself, to you, and to this Earth.

Don’t you?