Validation

I used to seek it in a way that was unbecoming.  I’d post ab selfies and send them to everyone I knew, because I needed people to see how hard I was working and I was desperate for their approval of my physical body.  I used to triple ask whether or not something I did was OK, or if an apology was really accepted.  I used to scroll and stream social media, constantly posting about my life and looking to yours to make sure we could stand in the same corner.  I used to talk about my body and my fitness and my accolades ad nausea. 

Why?  Because I didn’t think you’d like me unless you knew what I was doing all of the time.  I thought my worth was measured in metrics and performance, not by the way I made you feel or by the way I treated you.  I was consumed with my body and how it showed up in the world because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to be in control.  I would constantly strive for more and have it on display so that you would at least know I was trying.

It was exhausting.  I don’t regret any of it, but I can say that those behaviors no longer make me feel good about myself.  I know too much.  I feel so much compassion for the girl that needed everyone else’s approval of her abs.  I feel so much sadness for the girl that couldn’t love herself as she was.  I still feel that compassion and sadness for the same girl, who some days ages slower than others it seems.  I still want abs, but am one morning at a time learning to embrace them when they appear before breakfast and kiss them goodbye before dinner.  I guess that’s a more normal human body, one without any doping substances or anti-estrogens on board.  I guess that’s a healthier body, one that can run all the miles and carry a lot of the weight – often.

Today, I seek validation a little differently although I still want it and some days frankly just need it.  But now, I try to let the Universe play itself out.  I try to pause long enough to let people show me their approval and their love for me, instead of begging for it.  Yes, sometimes we do have to ask for what we need, but a lot of the time it shows up when we’ve done the next thing right and are OK with ourselves. 

When I give myself permission to hold space, I automatically grant it for you.  When I forgive myself for being who I am, I automatically extend that same courtesy.  When I stop picking on myself, I stop picking on you.  When I start validating myself through positive action, I start validating you.  And then you can validate me.

I don’t need to explain myself to everyone.  I don’t need to tell you my backlog with sugar for you to respect my choice not to eat it today.  As a result, people at work were given bags of candy and I was given fruit.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.  I don’t need to tell my masseuse that I’m afraid to do less because I won’t look a certain way.  My body tells me it needs to do less by tripping over itself over and over and then my masseuse can tell me objectively: it’s mental.  I can share the table with a coworker I am getting to know, share my recovery and as a result a day later she can share some sorrow occurring in her life. 

We don’t need to ask permission to be who we are.  We don’t need to ask permission to be OK.  We create the energy we’re supposed to thrive and have, when we are ready to have it.  I couldn’t have stopped taking ab selfies any sooner than I did.  I couldn’t have solicited more positive attention from appropriate sources any sooner than I did.  But because I spent some time with myself and trusted other people’s experience, I can now say that I have some you can borrow for yourself if you need it.