Special Edition

Today, I feel human.  And not the kind of human we see on TV with a cape.  In fact, I feel like the kind of human you don’t ever see on TV unless it’s a soap opera or some kind of drama.  I feel exposed, raw, and vulnerable.  I also feel like fucking off to everything and everyone.  With a smile, of course (remember, we’re on TV).

I read someone’s blurb earlier about it being OK not to go or be spiritual all of the time.  She talked about not analyzing, not changing the mood or altering the state, but just being where you are and allowing the unspirituality of your mood to be present long enough to recognize it for what it is: a mood.  It will pass, just like our feelings.  It’s our attachment to those feelings that don’t pass, and cause us suffering.

So, I don’t want to say that I am suffering, but I don’t want to say that I feel awesome.  I got snubbed earlier by another not-so-professional and I am still taking it personally.  I was met by another very dry personality, and I am again, taking it personally.  I feel fat.  I feel under-rested and under-slept despite my incredible efforts to get more sleep.  I’m taking it personally that despite those efforts, it’s just not happening this week.  I’m stressed.

I know nothing will change this place but time.  It may be 5 minutes.  It may be the evening.  It may be a few days.  However long it takes, I know that it will pass.  Because it has always passed, eventually.  I know enough now to trust my experience and to let it ride, and try not to cause any further damage by forcing it away sooner than it is supposed to leave.  But today, that knowledge is availing me nothing and I don’t want to feel this way.

Food won’t fix it – eating more, or less of it.  Training won’t fix it – doing more, or less of it.  Punching somebody in the face won’t fix it, nor will snubbing the next person who disturbs me.  Telling the people I met that are making me feel less than what I think about them won’t fix it, and neither will shit-talking them despite how funny I am when I’m upset.  Isolating in my bed won’t fix it.  Over-socializing and over-committing won’t fix it.

Nothing will fix it but time, and time stands for things I must earn.  I must earn the right for the emotion to pass by feeling it for what it is.  I must earn the right to feel better by not adding more fuel to the fire that is low self-esteem sometimes.  I can do esteemable acts, and I can show up for myself.  I can ask for help – energetically and to people.  I can trust that the phone will ring with the person I am supposed to hear, and that the person I need to hug me will also be available for me.  I can trust that I am OK, even when I don’t feel like it.

And I can also trust that I’m not less than because I want to fuck off today and tell everybody else to do so with me.  I can appreciate that I am human, living and breathing and doing a great job – even though I don’t feel like it today. 

The key is to not take any hostages while I am held in this space, like I used to do.  The key is not wreaking havoc on a situation that is so temporary, I won’t even remember writing about it.  The key is to take a breath, say the F word a few times and let it ride in all its glory.  Right?