For many of us, the Holidays are hard. For me, Christmas especially. I don’t know what it is (other than the litany
of movies and societal notions and childhood fantasies imprinted in my mind),
but I have this Hallmarkesque idea in my head of how things should be, how they
should look, and how they should feel. I
learned a long time ago that I would benefit greatly from expelling the word “should”
from my vocabulary. “Should” implies
that things would be different if the Universe intended them to be. “Should” implies that things would be different
if they could be. “Should” implies that
things aren’t good enough exactly as they are, and really, “should” makes me
suffer. “Should” argues with
So, heading into round 1 today for Christmas Eve (Happy Holidays by the way), I am reminded to keep my feet on the ground and my head above them. I am reminded to be gentle with myself as memories come and go, as past forced Holidays I chose to create with people that weren’t ultimately meant for me come and remind me of what it used to be like (and if I don’t keep my shit straight- could very easily be again today), and who couldn’t be what I so desperately pictured in my mind. I am reminded to be where I am now, and to be ever grateful for having a place to go with people I choose to be around and of service. For me, this is the key: choice. We all have choices today, despite the argument in our heads that we do not. We get to choose how we experience today, and tomorrow, and any other day aside from Holidays. We may not get to choose who we spend it with or where as much as we’d like, but we do get to choose how we feel while we are there. It may not feel like it right now, and I know that intimately and closely, but I have learned that I really do get to choose how I show up today and what I take (or what I leave) with me. We are all constantly granted opportunities to learn and to grow and to be of service, so maybe today can be one of those days for you, if you choose it be that.
Today, I am choosing to show up in the fullness and brightness of my spirit. I am choosing to focus on the people that are there, instead of the ones that aren’t. Today will be missing some important people for me, and it breaks my heart in half to know where I think they are and that I can’t be there in that space with them. Today, I am choosing to create new traditions and memories and experiences with someone I only dreamt of having in my life (for real this time, not in fantasy and hope and pretend), to partner with, someone who adores me and wants to build something long-lasting and special. I was scared of this after being traumatized for so many years after choosing to force situations that weren’t right for me, but today I am choosing to show up in the beauty and reality of what is actually happening for me, and to be all there. Today, I am choosing to exercise my right to be where I am, to be who I am, and to be one of instead of the outcast and alien I used to always feel like I was (and still can, if I don’t connect before I go with the people that remind me I am enough no matter what the circumstances). Today, I am choosing to let go of Hallmark and all of its fabrications, and to create my own version instead.
Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. May you choose to create the best version of your Monday that you are able, at this time. May you be where you are, may you be all there, and may you take the Universe’s love with you into all of it today and may you remember that you are enough, exactly as you are, regardless of the circumstances. I’ll be doing that, too.