I do everything right. I do everything imaginable to feel great, at all times. I get sleep. I eat great. I drink water. I limit sodium. I pray in the morning and throughout the day. I read. I put my phone down (not as much as I used to, but hey … it’s 2021). I …
A few weeks ago, Tuesday was a doozy of a start. The prior days had been riding me hard: the scale being less than what I wanted or expected, feeling hungover from being thoroughly sick of social distancing, thoughts of marriage and what the passing of a new year meant, etc. Every 2 weeks …
Pride. The feeling you get from things accomplished. Or, the feeling you get from things not accomplished. Ego. What you think about yourself on a total scale of worthiness or enoughness. I’ve googled it recently as “pride” has been brought to my attention as the true culprit for my undercurrent of anxiety and …
It’s like I was holding my emotions at bay until it came, and when it did, there was no hiding. I want to get married. I want a ring on my finger. I want the world to know I am someone’s partner and that we have chosen one another to do this thing. I …
It’s been 11 days since I posted a blog, and I didn’t even know it. When I first started blogging, I committed to posting once a week. I was on fire for a while, able to prewrite and schedule things for weeks in advance. It’s like I had just uncovered a dormant fire within, …
It’s like I can see myself reacting and behaving and there’s nothing I can do about it. I even have a post IT saying, “Restraint of tongue and pen” and … it is not fail proof. Nothing is, I guess, when you’re truly human. Human amidst a pandemic that is ongoing. Human amidst the …
I am officially over COVID, and it is coming out in my mirror. And on the scale. And then into my clothes. Into my bed. And into my beating heart and flowing bloodstream. I often talk about being vulnerable and it immediately moving onto my body, but I haven’t actually experienced it in a …
Thanksgiving came, and Thanksgiving went. I had a plan, and then the plan kind of had me. I had a delightful time in the woods by myself, some intimate time with Mike and his family, and then some distracted mental psychosis around food and emotional hunger and exposure and more. My plan was to …
I used to think eating for joy was being a glutton; consuming things I hadn’t in a while, eating more, eating way past capacity. I used to think eating for experience was having a buffet style meal, regardless of venue or company or occasion. Ordering the “worst” thing (most decadent) on the menu, the …
My disease hates when I’m happy. My disease hates when I stray from needing it to tell me my every move, validate my every thought, and rely on it for comfort. Especially when it has to do with my body, the food I put in my body, and people commenting on either or both. And …